3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
