after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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