i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
