Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
