I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
