i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
