Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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