Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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