meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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