I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
