Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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