I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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