Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
