Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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