She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
