just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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