I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
