Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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