SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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