she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
