I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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