He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
How's work?
Spinning.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Randomize
