Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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