Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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