I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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