I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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