put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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