i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
