Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
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