I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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