We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
