Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
