No, drunk sperm still make babies.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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