omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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