Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
