Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I need water and some morals
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
