i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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