At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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