I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
