I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
