Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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