I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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