decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
