I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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