I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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