The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
