I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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