I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
