Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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