The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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