Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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