seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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