Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize