last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
