The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
