I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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