my phone needs a breathalizer
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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