i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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