Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize