Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
