god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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